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Attached

Amir Levine

8/10
Fun, and interesting. The idea being we have different attachment styles (Secure, anxious, avoidant) and how they can be used as a lens to make sure you're communicating effectively and not subconsciously creating conflict with your behaviors

  • Types of attachment styles

    • Secure - warm and loving and well adjusted
    • Anxious - crave, worry about partners ability to love them back, lot of your emotional energy, very sensitive to partners emotions. Need to be reassured.
    • Avoidant - minimize closeness, independence

  • Framing concepts

    • Dependency is not a bad word
    • People are only as needy as their unmet needs
    • The more effectively dependent on others you are, the more independent you can become, ironically
    • Support is good for your health and achievement
    • Try and notice when your partner tries to get in contact with you and you can't pick up, recognize, apologize and explain and reassure. Also should be done for other needs

  • Protest behavior - being mean / resentful when they don't meet your need or don't pick up. Tries to get their attention and respond to them. (Should express emotions, and ask for needs to be met / talk about needs instead. Try to be very specific about what you want from them)

  • Anxious and avoidant can go together because both have their world assumptions confirmed by the relationship.

  • Secure priming - reminded of secure role models

  • Find a work model of how you are in relationships

    • Inventory - write past partners, what you remember, your feelings and thoughts, re assess the things vai attachment principles, list ways the behavior hurts you and gets in the way, list secure alternatives.
    • Accept that some things won't change and your expectations need to change and be okay with doing something's with other people instead of with partner

  • No games, express needs/concerns explicitly and ask the questions.

  • 5 principles of effective communication

    • genuine and honest about feelings
    • be honest about needs
    • be specific (when you do x)
    • don't blame
    • assertive and non apologetic (your need are important, and essential for your happiness)

  • Secure principles for resolving conflict

    • show basic content for the others well being
    • maintain focus on problem
    • don't generalize
    • engage
    • communicate feelings and needs
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