cover image for Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

A really interesting perspective on internal issues, I definitely think it found me at an important relevant point in my life via recommendation from my therapist. Most vital and relevant were tactics to grow further awareness of when I'm struggling with something in the present that's actually about the past, noticing behaviors that are toxic and have been bred into me, and better self soothing, self compassion, self validation and a gradual separation from the pieces of me that have these bad habits and tendencies from the whole

Definition

5 features
- emotional flashbacks -
  - non visual, regression into the emotional state of being an abused or abandoned child
  - fear, shame, alienation, rage, depression, despair, helpless
  - fight, flight instinct
- toxic shame -
  - hurts self esteem. Self as Fatally flawed, ugly, stupid self.
- self abandonment
- vicious inner critic
- social anxiety
trauma
- fight or flight, that cannot be turned off
fight flight freeze faun
- traumatized people often lean into one of these
- narcissistic, obsessive compulsive, dissociative or co dependent respectively
- bob, carol, mod, saun
- fight - ends up scapegoating and blaming others
- flight - ends up thinking and agreeing that they are broken. Gets ensnared into getting with other narcissist people
- freeze - lost with no interaction. Bonding with TV or books instead of people
- sibling competing for parents approval
- sean faun, decided to super analyze parent and then parent relies on them to be a care taker
ADHD as a type of flight
- you're running from uncomfortable things. Your brain doesn't want to do them so you feel a pull to stop and do something else, something distant and more comfortable.
- in my case perhaps out of fear of criticism or imperfection and failure
- I wonder if soothing myself in these moments. Reassuring myself would be enough to start turning that tide and unweaving that habit inside me.

Levels of recovering

cognitive healing
- brain user friendly
- upgrading the story you tell yourself about your pain
- not blaming self but parents / circumstances instead
shrinking the critic
- perfectionism as a way to gain acceptance
- can only see the issues with self rather
- becomes obsessive to try and win an impossible situation
mindfulness
- becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings so you can have more choice in how you respond to them
- distract, ripress, express or feel
- observe self from a health perspective. Benign curiosity
- recognize and move away from your bad attitude habits
recovering the emotional nature
- polarity of emotions
  - happy and sad
  - Ethused and depressed
  - loving and angry
  - Trusting and suspicious
  - brave and afraid
  - blaming and forgiving
- you should be allowed to have both and that is normal
- you should be allowed to have both
- if you cannot feel sadness you are unlikely to recognize when you're being unfairly excluded
- if you cannot feel anger you are likely to be abused
- you must accept all emotions, even though this is not license for poor action
emotional intelligence
- recognizing our own feelings and healthily respond to others
- accept all feelings without dissociating from them. And express them without hurting yourself or others
- parent hypocrisy
  - parent abuses child for emoting
  - parents emotional expression abuses child too
  - especially expression of pain
  - other issue is a child expressing emotion and parent just kinda ignores or leaves
toxic shame and soul murder
- mindfulness, stop auto dissociating from emotions, then identify, then learn to respond to them healthily. Helps people make better choices
grieving as emotional intelligence
- reconnects us with our feelings and helps us get over our prior pain
- speaking of feelings to help work through past emotions
- verbal ventilation
  - grieve from being that moment, then come back
  - may need to work on self critic first
spiritual healing
- soothing abandonment losses via a higher sense of meaning
- belonging is needed for people, need to find this
gratitude and good enough parenting
- hard but life is a gift, parents aren't perfect but good enough.
- unrealistic expectations of others
- good hearted, tries to be fair, meets his or her commitments a large portion of the time
- good enough to try and help with better self talk / inner critic
- see and appreciate what's true in life
Somatic healing
- detrimental Somatic experiences engrained
- like
  - hyper vigilance
  - shallow breathing
  - armoring / muscle tightness
  - sleep problems
  - inability to be aware / present in body
  - digestive disorders
  - self medication with alcohol
  - physical comfort of touch limitations
  - verbal abuse eye contact and verbal stuff issues
Somatic self help
- cry self compassionately and express anger protectively
- stretching to remove armoring
survivors and SSRI's (is good to help do work)
food issues
- food is a source of self soothing to many people and becomes a drug
- form of perfectionism (also exercise), not the right approach

Improving relationships

can instead be
- pet relationships
- music and arts
cptsd as an attachment disorder
the origin of social anxiety
- needing things from other is dangerous
- spontaneous self expressing feels like a trap, especially in non standard situations
healing shame that binds us in loneliness
- shame that makes you want to hide, when you don't feel like you can be perfect.
- real intimacy the more you share you emotional vulnerability
finding good enough relational help
- earned secure attachment
- typically from one supportive enough and reliable relationship
  - partner or best friend
parentectomy and relational healing
- when a parent is unrelentingly toxic, contact can create depending wounds and constant flashbacks
- must create less and less contact
learning to handle conflict in relationships
- don't lash out in anger
- disagreement and disappointment is fine.
- Hall mark is handling negative emotion in a constructive way
reparenting
- love and protection needed
self mothering and self fathering
- Mothering is self compassion. Fathering is self protection.
- be unshakably source of self compassion and self protection
self mothering
- every child deserves unconditional love
- you need to nurture your own child with compassion and unconditional love
- unconditional positive regards
- (needs to be gradually backed off on for a child, anything else is bad )
limits of unconditional love
- cannot expect others to love you unconditionally (except therapists)
- you cannot receive this and you need to accept that you don't have this from others even partners
inner child work
- self mothering
- self punishment is counter productive
- **patience and self encouragement are more effective than self judgement and self rejection **
- healing words to self,
Messages
- imagine speaking to inner child
- I am so glad you were born
- you are a good person
- I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side
- you can come to me whenever you're feeling bad
- You do not have to be perfect to have my love and protection
- all of your feelings are okay with me
- I'm always glad to see you
- It's okay to be angry, and I won't let you hurt yourself or others when you are
- you can make mistakes, they are your teachers
- You can know what you need and ask for help
- You have your own tastes
- You can choose your own values
- You can pick friends and not like everyone
- You can feel confused and ambivalent and not know all the answers
- I am proud of you.
self fathering
- heals wounds of feeling helpless to protect yourself.
- assertive and self protective habits
- tell inner child, would protect you by XYZ
  - gagging parents to avoid criticism
  - moving them away to create space
  - calling CPS
  - sending them to counseling
re parenting by committee
- self + others
the tao of self relating and relating to others

The progression of recovering

signs of recovering
- better inner critic / awareness
- giving up being 100% free
stages of recovery
- awareness
- grieving
- working though fear
- Working through loss of self esteem
- abandonment physical Somatic work itself
- compassionate self support
cultivating patience with gradual recovery
- it is gradual and often non linear
- progress not perfection
surviving vs thriving
- you will start to feel like you are thriving and then have a setback
- maybe suicidal ideation, which is a sign to use tactics and that you've taken a step back
- fiery self acceptance. Regardless of where you are
difficulties in finding the signs of recovery
- must see, otherwise will give up which is bad
- don't dismiss gradual improvements
- like
  - less intense launching into 4F response
  - resistance to critic
  - increased mindfulness about critic or attacks
  - increased time feeling good enough about yourself
  - decreased self medicating
  - increased good enough relating to others
  - decrease in intensity of flashbacks
- either I'm cured or I'm super defective
accepting recovery as a life long process
therapeutic flashbacks and growing pains
- being yourself and expressing yourself will cause flashbacks and be hard
- pain and healing go together, risk and flashback and recover by doing it anyways. Right action despite being afraid
- epiphanies
  - I feel afraid now but I'm not as helpless as I was as a child
  - I feel guilty but not because I'm guilty but because I've been intimidated when expressing my needs, opinions and preferences
  - I feel ashamed because my parents were disgusted by me being me
the unexamined life is not worth living
- recovering the right of free choice and doing more non societal standard kind of things
don't worry be happy is bs
- we aren't meant to be happy all the time

The fine points of recovering

What if I was never hit Denial and minimization Verbal and emotional abuse Theoretical neurobiology of the critic

self hate encouraged by parents, eventually becomes constant self hate and abandonment Emotional neglect
feel and understand how devastating it was to be neglected as a child
no one to turn to in times of danger for comfort or protection Failure to thrive syndrome Emotional hunger and addition The evolutionary need for attachment needs
social anxiety as a distrusting of others and strangers to accept you as you are, because your parents didn't Abandonment stultifies emotional and relational intelligence
fear that if someone else like them, they will leave once they can no longer keep up the act or makes a mistake De-minimizing emotional abandonment
it is quite impactful, and should be treated as such Practicing vulnerability
connect with safe enough other during flashback
get to others who can accept you in all aspects of your flashbacks and issues The power of narrative
self compassion for childhood you. Creates empathy rather than contempt

What is my trauma type

Healthy employment of the 4 f's

fight to have boundaries
flight to escape when staying would be dangerous, perserverance
freeze and give up when resistance is futile, buy time to do something else, peace, midnfullness
faun, to listen, help and compromise when necessary, listening, fairness
habitual use, creates issues CPTSD as an attachment disorder
fight - narcissistic, explosive, controlling, bully,
flight - ocd, panicky, outrunning pain, busy holic, perfectionist, bipolar, ADHD
- perpetually busy to avoid
- perfecting self to try and be worthy of love one day
freeze - spacy, dissociative, hiding, hiding, skitsco, add
- hide because world has nothing for them
- online, where limited contact and lots of control
- overdo for other, don't have to risk real self exposure and deeper level rejection
faun - CO dependent, door mat, people pleaser
- avoid emotional investment by barely showing themselves. Hide behind their helpful persona, over listen, over elicit and over do for others. Don't risk deeper level rejection.
attempt to cope with constant danger
stop being vulnerable relating to prevent attack or abandonment The fight type and narcissistic defense
power and control can create safety and love
scape goats
bully Recovering from a polarized fight response
power -> fear from others, loop and distance forever
fight types need to redirect rage to their childhood and the root of abandonment.
Learning to cry to release their hurt
self initiated timeout when doing bad habits
need to become better at using the other 4F types more equally.
- specifically the empathy response of the faun type
- imagine yourself as the other person The flight type and the Obsessive compulsive defense
perfection makes me safe and lovable.
rush and go fast. Rush to achieve
constant busyness to run from their abandonment Left brain dissociation
when not doing, is planning and worrying about doing
obsession, constant thinking to avoid abandonment pain.
workaholic, and busy holic
may devolve into OCD Recovering from a polarizing flight response
intro section takes a back seat to staying busy
Must confront cost of perfectionism
- not a badge of pride or superiority
must start moving into their feelings, grieve childhood losses
- recovering crying
gear box to engaging life
- speed variation, go into neutral
prone to prioritizing the wrong task
- tendency to do the easiest task rather than the most important ones
chicken with it head cut off mode
- invert old cliche, don't just do something stand there
- take some time to get centered and meditate and come back
- encourage major muscle groups to relax
- ask what is the 1 most important priority right now
- what hurt am I running from right now
- can I imagine soothing myself in my pain Freeze type the dissociative defense
people == danger
solitude is good.
Giving up on love
right brain dissociation
- disconnect from emotions
- sleep, TV, day dreaming
- ADD
- schizophrenic
recovery
- spook easily
- less motivated to work on self / recognize emotions
- project perfectionism onto others
- denial about the consequences of freezing
- self medicating issues
- therapy, pets, online groups
- trust building
- fear and anxiety, trapping you in the house
- roll of bad parenthood, in their suffering, shrinking critic, grieving loss of childhood Faun type and the codependent defense
merge with wishes, need sand demands of others.
cost of entry is "I have no needs"
no sense of self
recovering
- relief
- shrink listening defense
- practicing broadening, personal and verbal self expression
- triggered by contemplating advocating for self against others -> outrage that you can't protest and be assertive Trauma hybrids
most have a backup response
common hybrids
- fight fawn
  - charming bastard, fight and fawn defense. Border line personality (non genuine)
  - care taking goes for an agenda
  - Never takes responsibility
  - projects onto others
  - (Jenna?)
- flight freeze
  - do it yourself isolationist,
  - works to exhaustion, extreme vegging out. Repeat
  - more common among men.
  - (tremor?)
- fight freeze hybrid
  - rarely seek recovery by themselves
  - fight shell, that protects freezing core
  - doesn't want human interaction, but also needs things to go their way
self assessment
- largely flight type. Also some faun. Little freezing and little fighting
recovery and assessment
- try to have access to all 4 responses as options rather than over reliance on one type
fight to faun continue of healthy relating
- moving easy between leading / following, taking / listening. Is healthy
flight to freeze continuum of healthy relating to self
- doing and being, intense focus and day dreamy relaxing

Co dependency recovery

faun vs flight, freeze, fight origins
- talking back is bad - fight
- running is bad - flight, turns into hyper activity. Workaholics
- dissociates - freeze type. Addiction / numbing
- Being helpful / useful - safety via usefulness. Forfeits all needs that might anger them. Looses all boundaries.
trauma based codependency definition
- self abandonment
  - Cannot express needs or boundaries
  - Cannot be assertive
- get others to talk to get the attention off themselves
- safer to agree than dissent
- to leave choices to someone else rather than have preferences
codependent subtypes
- faun freeze
  - scape goat, self denial, victimized in adult hood
  - fight types take them hostage and abuse them as doormats
  - blames self
  - Narcissistic, has warm tidbits that are better than childhood home
- faun flight
  - super nurse,
  - take care of everyone elses need instead of their own
  - OCD like clean oholics
  - over burden others with their advice.
  - Caring isn't always about fixing -> empathy and giving some time
  - advice is always take it or leave it
  - check in first to see if help wanted
- faun fight
  - smother mother
  - smother love, over focused, on others
  - manipulative care taking
  - feels entitlement to punish other, for their not taking advice
  - seeks real intimacy
more in recovering from a pole riding faun response
- co-dependence comes from continually being shamed as selfish for even the most basic self interest
- fear of being attacked for lapses in gratiantion, causes for fitting of boundaries
- write things down as an aide
- must learn to stay present to the fear and get to better responses
facing the fear of self disclosure
grieving through co dependence
- tear about long time without a sense of self over time
- build a healthy fight response. Self assertion
later stage recovery
- must reduce people pleasing, reflects dangerous parents
- don't reflexively agree with everyone and emotional mirroring
- setting boundaries
- don't shift your mood to pretend you're always feeling the same way with someone else
- be empathic but don't adopt their emotions
disapproval is okay with me
- all or non nonsense
- trying to seduce everyone like you to feel safe
- learn to handle and accept disapproval
- don't care about disapproval from those who don't know you.
- get lots of care from your intimates and a little well phrased constructive criticism

Managing emotional flashbacks

general
- you feel little, small, helpless, everything is to hard, scary, apocalypse feels like it's upon you
- 13 steps for managing emotional flashbacks
  - say I'm having a flashback,
  - say I feel afraid but I'm not in danger, I'm safe now here in the present
  - own your right and need to have boundaries. Leave bad situations and protest unfair behavior
  - speak reassuringly to the inner child, child need to know they have your unconditional love and can come to you for protection when scared
  - eternity thinking, flashback will pass
  - adult body with skills and resources you didn't have as a child
  - ease back into your body, ask body to relax. 1 major muscle group at a time
  - breath deep and slowly
  - slow down
  - find safe place to soothe self
  - feel fear in body without reacting to it
  - resist inner critics, exaggerations
  - refuse to shame, hate or abandon self
  - thought substitution to replace with memorized list of accomplishments
  - allow self to grieve
  - cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Have intimate talk you through it
  - leave triggers, and avoid them
  - figure out what you're flashing back to
  - be patient with slow recovery
triggers and emotional flashbacks
- external or internal stimuli that gives emotional flashback
  - visiting parents
  - seeing something similar to others
  - similar sentences or words and such
the look, a common emotional trigger
- contempt look
- creates flashback
internal vs external triggers
- internal is more common than outer.
- inner critics, need for perfection or visualize people being hurtful to you
progressive trigger recognition
- getting better at recognizing the moment of triggering, to react correctly
- also the reason
signs of a flashback
- naming as a flashback is first step
- feeling small, helpless and hopeless are signs
- delicate, fragile, self conscious etc
- increase in inner and outer critic, catastrophic thinking
- emotions are out of proportion to what caused them
more on self medication
- upsurge in craving is a sign of being in a flashback
flashbacks in therapy sessions
grieving resolves flashback
managing the inner critic
- recognize inner critic catastphizing
- angerly say no to the critic every time is tried to demean or scare you
- remind yourself of all the positive experiences with the thing that you're catastrophizing
- enumerate your many success in and without that context
advanced flashback management
- dream flashbacks
- if you can remember you can sometimes look for what triggered in the previous day
flash back as inner child pleas for help
- waking up in abandonment struggles
- catastrophizing means you're in a flashback
- care for the child instead
flexible use of the flashback management steps
- trigger searching from being on your side vs looking for issues
- if the latter, move to self acceptance instead
- sometimes you can't find the trigger and that's fine
existential triggers
- loneliness, world issues, etc
later stage recovery
- eventually reflexive better reactions / self soothing
helping kids manage emotional flashbacks
- awareness of flashbacks
- demonstrate that feeling in danger isn't always being in danger.
- model that there are adults who want to protect
- speak soothingly and reassuringly
- guide mind back into body
- systemic relaxation, breathing, slowing down, calming centering practices, retreat to safe places
- Use your words, verbal ventilation
- facilitate grieving the death of feeling safe, crying, venting anger
- shrink the inner critic, thought stopping and thought substitution
- 4 F type
- educate about the need to have boundaries and say no
- identify and avoid unsafe places and activities
- vivid pictures of better future

Shrinking the inner critic

origin of the CPTSD critic
- hyper vigilance, on guard and over thinking the future
- constantly under attack and always nervous system aroused
14 inner critic attacks
- perfectionism attacks
  - i don't have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present
  - I am letting go of relationships that require perfection
  - I have a right to make mistakes
  - making mistakes does not make me a mistake
- all or none or black and white thinking
  - a single negative happen stance does not make me something
  - always or never are typically gross over exaggerations
- self hate and toxic shame
  - I'm on my side
  - turn shame back into disgust at others
  - if not hurting others all emotions are okay
- micro management and obsessing and worrying
  - not jump to negative conclusions
  - forgive past mistakes
  - cannot make the future safe
  - will not try to control the uncontrollable
- unfair devaluing comparisons moments or to your self
  - I won't compare self to others
  - won't judge self for not feeling bad sometimes
- guilt
  - feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty
  - when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize and make amends and create better systems and then let go of said guilt
- shouldning
  - I will sub out the word should for want to unless under legal, social or moral obligation
- workaholism / over productivity
  - i will not choose to be productive all the time
  - I am more productive when I rest
  - I will not try to be productive all the time at 100%
- harsh judgements of self and others
  - refuse to attack self or others
  - refuse blame self for parents mistakes
- catastrophizing
  - refuse to scare self with worrying about how things catastrophize
- negative focus
  - don't dwell on what's wrong with my life and what's around me
  - enumerate my talents and qualities
  - also the wonder of the world
- time urgency
  - not hurry unless emergency
  - I'm learning to enjoy doing things at a relaxed pace
- disabling performance anxiety
  - I reduce procrastination by reminding self I will not accept unfair criticism or expect perfection
  - when afraid will defend from unfair criticism
- fear of being attack
  - unless clear danger stop fear of attack
  - legal authorities to help
critic initiated flashbacks
- flashbacks get worse via attacks above
facing the stubbornness of the critic
perfectionism and emotional neglect
- semblance of control
- direction
- Imperfection -> shame and fear
more on endangerment
- critic with fear inducing snapshots / spirals
- extreme negative noticing
- catastrophizing
using anger to thought stop the critic
- anger to stop the critics attack
- angerly saying no to critics ideas
- rebuilding self protection
- anger at those who created and those who encourage
- natural anger when, parents didn't help child
- will power alone eventually
- blame / anger at critic or people gave you a bad critic
embracing the critic
- after removing the stinger from the critic mindfulness and self reflection via the critic can be useful
- litmus test is that the critic is soft / gentle
thought substitution and thought correction
- get automatic at reacting to critic
- write out list of positive attributes and use as reference
- qualities don't have to be perfect or ever present
perspective substitution and correction
- firing of a bad coach who can't see anything right.
perspective substitution and gratitude
- don't have to feel grateful or loving all the time (and shouldn't)
- remember what your usually grateful in life during flashback can sometimes snap us out (with practice over time)
- list positive happenings daily
neuro plasticity of the brain
- brain can grow and change throughout life Shrinking the outer critic
the outer critic the enemy of relationship
- part that views everyone else as dangerous and bad. No one can be trusted. Everyone sucks and can't be trusted
- all of non thinking of everyone else being imperfect and dangerous.
- avoid emotional investment in others
- parents cannot be trusted and this no one can be trusted
- intimacy destroying habits that need to be broken
4F type and inner / out critic ratios
- freeze and fight polarized to outer
  - denounces outward world
  - fight hurts other using their outer critic
- faun to inner
  - self hate, for inner
- flight can vary
  - can excel to judge everyone as inferior. Outer
- survivors can find that the other, manifests more once the predominant one is addressed
passive aggressive and the outer critic
- unexpressed childhood anger onto others
- passive aggression, push others away. Poor listening, hurtful teasing disguised as joking
refusing to give voice to.the critics pint of view
- can only notice what imperfect in others
- "I was just trying to be honest" defense
- inner critic can try to call out all their short comings to self as defense before other can
outer critic dominated flashbacks
- blaming others for your own issue or short coming
- laundry list their faults assuming that they had done wrong things against you, when it's just you
- past mistakes and negative noticing all the things spirals
outer critic modeling in the media
- media has a lot of socially acceptable,
  - angry criticism to control via fear
  - not wanting to engage with people when everyone is corrupt all or nothing thinking
  - micro management to prevent betrayal and/or leaving
  - leaving at the first sign of lonelyness, because if you really loved me I would never feel lonely
the outer critic b grade movie producer
- obsesses about how people have or could hurt us / betray us
- can become a clue we are in a flashback and to manage as such
watching the news as a trigger
intimacy and the outer critic
- child never learns the others can help with loneliness and pain if you open up to them
- learns that it's dangerous to open up
- Learns that everyone is dangerous like our parents
the no win situation
- tries to control others to make them safer. Outer critic
- Except there is no amount of control that is useful
scaring others away
- doing so with ones constant vocal depressing catastrophizing
vacillating between inner and outer critic
- vacillating between inner and outer critic
- as fucked up as I am, I'm still better than you
- grandiois self and despised self
- eliminates ability to find belonging, oscillates between too good for others and thus alone and better than others and thus alone
- others are too flawed to love
the critic, as judge jury and executioner
- refuses positive evidence
- refuses context
- higher moral ground -> micro management
scapegoating
- unfairly put anger on others. Doesn't resolve root hurt
- imitating parent
- reverse mirroring
mindfulness and shrinking the outer critic
- awareness of things going on inside
- cognitive and emotional parts of our thoughts
when mindfulness has the opposite effect on the outer critic
- flashing back to parents rebuke
- when critic work seems to strengthen rather than diminish the critic
  - increased awareness, means seeing more issues and habit and such
  - tolerating how pervasive the issue of the critic is, can be painful
  - progress might feel slow
- thought substitution and correction, supplanting the critic
  - invoking positive thoughts and makes of others, to spoil the outer critic desire to shit on people
  - list 5 recollections of positive attributes and interactions with friend
  - 5 positives to 1 negative interaction at a minimum
- grieving short circuits the other critic
  - be angry and cry to help energize things
  - not all people are as dangerous as your parents
  - loneliness is causing us pain
- refueling the outer critic with the transference
  - projection, is when unresolved past feelings amply current feelings
  - emotional pain from past relationships onto current ones
  - transferences in the process by which the above
  - repressed anger, misattributed to current relationship
  - imagined slights that don't actually exist
- healthy outer critic venting
  - venting from the outer critic can be healthy and self protective
  - protect when actually bring attacked
  - anger at childhood issues
- road rage, transference and the other critic
  - angry at one person / road rage, then angry at everyone
  - hit cushion with tennis racket, to release
  - feelings of outrage, does it go into the past?
  - pissed at Mom for not protecting child from his Dad

Grieving

intro
- angering, crying, verbal ventilating and feeling. If crying or angering is inaccessible, you may need to do more work shrinking your inner critic first
grieving expands insight and understanding
- respond to self with kindness when feeling an emotional flashback
- grieve childhood safety and belonging wasn't there
- grieve deaths of childhood self esteem and self compassion and self expression and self protection
grieving the absence of parental nourishing
- verbal - praise and positive feedback, engagement with enthusiasm, answering all questions
- spiritual - essential worth, loving nature, joy fun and love. Life is a gift attitude. Creative self expression
- emotional - caring regards and interest. Value all their emotions. Model good emotional expression. Safe refuge
- physical - teaching good healthy habits physical. Protection. Rest, play and work balance
- need to grieve until they stop blaming themselves for their parents abysmal parenting
grieving ameliorates flashbacks
- grieving to solve fear, the death of feeling safe
- grieving to solve shame, the death of feeling worthy
- grieve to solve depression, the death of feeling fully alive
inner critic hindrances to grieving
- can exacerbate. -> toxic shame
- challenging the critic
- then more sad and angry verbal ventilation and grieving. More compassion for child you were and survivor you are today
defueling the critic through grieving
- fear drives toxic inner critic and flashes them back
- learns to emulate others, imitates others, with their criticisms and hurtful things
- healthy angering and crying can stop the critics, drasticising and such
four processes of grieving
- angering: diminishes, fear and shame
  - complaining about past fear and losses
  - aim at internalized / past vision of parents. (Exception of parents are still abusive)
  - angerly say no to critic
  - build good self protection mechanism
  - rescue self from childlike helplessness
  - ability to say no is important
  - validate their anger
- crying
  - sad and mad when crying
  - cutting off critic emotional fuel supply
  - releases fear
  - cry for child who didn't feel worthy
  - cry awakens self compassion and increased self esteem
- crying and angering in concert
  - need to cry and anger for full release. Otherwise can become wining and last indefinitely
  - becomes stagnant and lingering mood
  - melancholy for sadness only. Anger becomes bitterness and irritability
- verbal ventilating, the golden path to intimacy
  - speaking or writing in a way that releases pain
  - uncensored manner of talking when thinking about feelings.
    - fear, sadness, anger or shame expressed
- feeling and thinking simultaneously
  - new neurons and help
  - unable to identify when they have shifted into identifying with the critics position. Help dismantling the critic
- ventilating alone is good
- dissociation deadens verbal ventilation
  - right brain dissociation - freeze and numb out
    - lost in fantasy / numbness. Avoiding pains, not helpful
  - left brain dissociation - obsessiveness
    - panicking about other random things rather than the real thing
    - trivialization, superficial things obsessed with to distract
    - over rely on logic instead of thinking about or addressing feelings
- verbal ventilation heals abandonment
  - creates intimacy
- feeling
  - focus on somatic to reclaim relaxed body feeling
  - emoting vs feeling
    - emoting, crying, verbal ventilating, angering and expression
    - feeling, observing emotions without judgement or reaction a more passive experience. Focus on your state and your body. Feel / experience your pain and relax into it
  - pay attention to tension in your. Face, throat, chest, heart or belly. Bring them up and can be felt through
- balancing feeling and emoting
  - fluidly shift between both
- an exercise in feeling
  - comfort your child self as an adult
    - I love you unconditionally
    - I'm sad for the abandonment you went through
    - I will protect you
    - You don't have to do anything
    - It's not your fault
- techniques to invite and enhance grieving
  - coaxing our a cry
    - safe and comfortable place where not heard
    - remember compassion
    - invoke self compassion from someone who was or would be kind to you
    - journal or ventilate or imagined ventilate to someone who cares about you
    - imagine self in the lap of a protector or higher power
    - remember a time when you felt better from anger or crying
    - remember a time when being angry saved you from harm
    - tears or anger carrying emotions out of you
    - imagine holding inner child compassionately
    - protect inner child
    - breath
    - moving music or movie
    - anger scene from movie

The map: managing the abandonment depression

intro
- self compassionate soothing when fear or depression so as to not launch into critic attacks or toxic shame or 4 f poor response
cycles of reactivity
- feel worthless get afraid. Inner critic criticisms.
- most typical 4 f response.
  - lashing out, zoning out, productivity, helping another
- aware of abandonment depression
- self attacking criticisms as noticing issues
abandonment depression -> fear and shame -> inner critic -> 4 F response
Layers of dissociation to in the cycle of reactivity
- dissociation from abandonment fear itself
- shrink critic, fear and shame, shows abandonment fear at the bottom
parental abandonment creates self abandonment
depressed thinking vs feeling depressed
somatic mindfulness
- feeling the physical sensations with fear.
  - muscle tension, shortness of breath, etc
  - rescue from dissociation and bring back to sensations fo fear
  - sit in it and be exposed to it and realize you will be okay
introspective somatic work
- thinking with criticisms shifted to feeling in your body
emotional tiredness comes from not resting / being able to rest emotionally
- with self or others
- run and flight to try and be useful and then falls into depression based on exhaustion
- cultivating self kindness during those times
- halt feeling. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired
- see if you're in a flashback. Motivate self compassion.
a swiss army knife approach to a flashback
- Cook more to take self nuturance to next level
- self re-mothering
- small electric shock in my chest if some kind of minor issue
  - being behind schedule, can't get can open, etc
- angering at parents when triggered to reduce fear
- consciousness about having a flashback
- somatic, feel where it is in body
- anti endangerment mantra / breathing exercise
- say no to critics call
- become well with depression and relax into the notion
- critic re-fathering when having taken time to fix things
- anger at parents and come back

A relational approach to healing abandonment

need another person (parents, therapist or friend) to help by staying present during the bad feelings
- someone who can be comfortable with their own emotions
no one to go to for bad feelings or to share and work with or be proud for or go to work the hurt
- never learns, communication skills and such
client needs to feel safe enough with therapist to describe humiliation and overwhelm
- therapist needs empathy and calm support
- needs to be able to work with random variations in trust. Needs to be willing to constantly regain trust
key qualities of relating for trust
- empathy
  - delve into their experience
  - shared experience shared with emotions
- authentic vulnerability
  - I also have emotions
  - models behaviors
  - therapeutics emotional disclosures
    - relating to others
    - emoting in their behalf
  - expressed indignation at their harm from childhood
- dialogicality
  - fluidly between healthy speaking and listening
  - reciprocal exchange
  - teamwork and mutual concerns and communications
  - meeting healthy narcissistic needs
    - healthy verbal exploration of self
    - healthy sense of self
    - both sides being vulnerable
  - therapeutic neglect, when therapist goals to challenge or notice clients self hating inner critic
  - 4F's and dialogicality
- collaborative rapport repair
  - identify misattunemnt, then model vulnerability by describing what might be my contribution to the issue
  - I think I misunderstood you here. I think perhaps I was triggered or tired and that's on me
  - own up to your part of the conflict
  - fight types want emotional warmth but don't know how to get it, cannot be gotten via controlling behaviors
moving though abandonment to intimacy
earned secure attachment
- learning to stay in interpersonal contact while in pain. Teaches that you aren't defective
rescuing the survivor from the critic
- helping out of the critic / flashback
- not their fault in childhood from another voice
interview therapist
- see if their approach is compatible with above
- no aloof, critical or shaming way
- make sure they have done therapy
co counseling relationship
- venting concerns with other doing active listening
- active listening
  - signs of engagement like mhmm, nodding, eye contact
  - mirroring (summarizing their pints back to show retention and understanding )
  - asking follow up open ended questions
    - can you tell me more
    - What else happened
    - do you have other thoughts and feelings about that
  - open to feedback on how to actively listen
  - no feedback or advice for counselee unless asked for explicitly

Forgiveness begin with the self

some things are unforgivable
if it's still happening don't forgive it
if you haven't grieved it, cannot properly forgive it

Bibliotherapy (books making things better for therapy)

supplemental book reading, then journaling to reflect

Conclusion

increasing mindfulness decreases 4 f acting out
critic shrinks
brain becomes more user friendly
grieving childhood losses build more EQ
body relaxes and mind peaceful
healthy ego into healthy sense of self
life narrative becomes self compassionate and self affirming m
emotional vulnerability creates authentic connection
good enough safe relationship

Tool boxes

Intentions for recovery
- kindness to self
- attract relationships that are based on fairness and respect
- self expression
- Relationships based on love
- freedom from toxic shame
- freedom from fear
- fun in life
human bill of rights
- I have the right to
  - treated with respect
  - say no
  - make mistakes
  - reject unsolicited advice or feedback
  - Negotiate for change
  - change my mind or plans
  - circumstances or course of action
  - to.have my own, feelings, beliefs, opinions etc
  - protest sarcasm, unfair criticism or unfair treatment
  - to feel and express anger
  - not take responsibility for anyone else's problems
  - occasional inconsistent
  - play and waste time
  - ask for help
suggested responses to critic attack
- perfectionism attacks
  - I do not have to be perfect to be safe or good,
  - all or none and black or white thinking, nothing is typically
  - self hate, I am on my side
  - not respectively look.ay details. Forgiving past mistakes. Not trying to completely control future
  - unfair devaluing comparisons. Not judging self for not being perfect to others
  - let go of guilt. Apologize and make amend and then let go
  - want to instead of should and only go then
  - relaxing is good. Perpetual production is not good. Play is good and helpful long run and is my right
- endangerment attacks
  - drasticising, refuse to scare self with huge problems
  - negative focus, stop dwelling on issues. Notice and visualize good things and gifts of life and my accomplishments
  - time urgency, not in danger, do not need to rush, learning to enjoy at a relaxed pace
  - don't accept unfair criticism, not letting fear make my decisions
lovingly resolving problems
- goal is to inform and negotiate for change. Not punish. Punishment destroys trust
- imagine how it would be easiest to hear for yourself
- preface complains with acknowledge of the good of the other and your mutual relationship
- no make calling, sarcasm or character assassination
- no analysing the other or mind reading
- no interrupting or filibustering
- short concise statements with opportunities for the other to repeat and reaffirm their understanding
- you're allowed to just be different from one another
- only I statements for your feelings, not you statements
- ask what hurst he most to try and find key complaint
- stick to the issue until both people feel fully heard, take turns allowing issues
- discharge emotions before hand
- own charge from not talking about it soon enough
- own charge from for other hurst projected
- apologize from an unashamed place, commit to change
- more on time outs
  - when over activated, take timeouts
  - gain awareness
  - nominate time to resume
- more on transference
  - handling flashbacks
  - 90% pain of the past, 10% pain of the present
  - everyone is accountable and responsible and expressed apology about their part
  - fair complaint but expressed poorly due to triggers / trauma
self gratitudes 12 by 12
- 12 things for 12 categories
- accomplishments
- traits
- Good deeds
- peak experiences
- life enjoyments
- intentions
- good habits
- Jobs
- subjects studied
- obstacles over comes
- grace received
- nurturing memories
- gratitudes about others 12 by 12
- friends, inspiring people, authors school friends, childhood friends, teachers, kindness of strangers, work fitness, nurturing memories

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Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Pete Walker