Getting to Zero

Premis

• relationships are very important to humans

• adults don't know how to actually resolve conflicts

  • cannot avoid, or band aid or
  • must work through it

• fear of they're who they really are the other person will leave, thus lives a lie and cannot actually connect

What is conflict

• conflict comes from threats.

  • to much closeness - aggressiveness, overwhelmed, desire for space,
  • to much distance - fear of abandonment, or they don't care,

• disconnectors: posture, collapse, seeking, avoid

  • try and recognize and tell partner about

  • posture

    • defensiveness, blame, get physically bigger. Hiding vulnerability
    • collapse: implode, shut down, self blame
    • seek: anxiety when people are moving away, we seek them out. They might feel pressured or intruder upon
    • avoid: try to avoid and create distance between. To protect self

• learning to face inner conflict and work through outer conflicts

How most people do conflict

• they typically are afraid of explicit conversation about their conflict for fear of making things worse

• getting to the root of why people are avoiding conflict. Ask why you are doing what you're doing, more whys or what are you afraid of this continually.

• inside out approach, change yourself to help others change Relational Leader

• admit stuck and need help

• take personal responsibility for the outcome you want

• learn grow and develop

• embrace and engage with conflict

  • conflict isn't the problem, it's how you do problem
  • lead with my in (behavior, action or inaction)

Childhood implications

• secure attachment style, is best (safe, seen, soothed, supported, challenged)

• relationships were unreliable -> insecure attachment styles

• 70% of the time misconnection happens and that's fine.

  • it's the lack of repair and reconnection that's the issue
  • main issue is impact on future intimate relationships

• you can learn and fix this

• if they can't fix they either lash out to try and repair or take pre emotive action to try and keep from getting hurt

• parents need to be able to reflect

Your scared animal

• often it takes control and doesn't think to much (learn to work with it)
• brain is more pain avoidant than happiness seeking
• unresolved conflict long term hurts your well being (underlying stress is a huge issue)

The price of avoiding conflict

• people often trade peices of their true self for connection with others (acting in a socially encouraged but less authentic way)

How to resolve your inner conflict

• don't live aligned towards other people's values.

  • know your own values and orient towards them
  • be specific (drill down from family)
  • work out what the underlying value is (work is not a value, security, creativity, are tho)

• be authentic, people will have reasons to not be,

  • what's the worst thing that could happen

Learn to work with your triggers

• our responsibility to take responsibility for our reactions as they are at least partially internal

• self regulation and self reflection

  • Nester meditation, focus on your discomfort and emotions
  • N for number the amount of triggering
  • E for emotion you're feeling
  • S for sensation physical you're feeling
  • T for thought of why
  • R for resource, feel strong and good with feet on ground
  • practice when you feel triggered, should get more even

• emotions

  • if you aren't practiced interacting with emotion, you won't see your own emotions and others emotion as useful data just as a threat
  • also you won't feel like you know yourself or that other can know you

• self reflection

  • self awareness

  • pause convo and ask for a little space, when you feel like You're getting heated

  • what happened, how you can own it, how it impacted you, how it impacted them

  • need to take ownership

  • other questions to ask self

    • new or related conflict
    • what am I scared of right now
    • is the feeling going to kill me
    • did we have agreements about this
    • am I willing to stay and work through this

• be willing to take a pause

  • you cannot and are not pausing the other person

• stand for yourself, your partner and the partnership in general

• comforting people,

  • when you were a kid what kind of words would you have liked to hear to make you feel safe supported

• remember your why, why you're in the relationship

  • connection, growth, love, acceptance, respect, purpose

Listening

• listen for the need behind their concerns

• you don't understand until they believe you do

• be curious about their side

• reflective listening

  • it sounds like x

• same page questions

  • is that right
  • Am I with you

• active listening, interrupt to make sure you're being present and know you're getting it right

• Empathy

• validate

  • say that makes sense

• anything else before we transition to my experience, agree to make a time for other things if past issues are coming up. Check in and make sure they feel you're understood

• your turn to be listened too

How to speak during a conflict

• don't talk when enraged or above a 5

• set context, what do you want out of this conversation (both of you) and how long do you have

• be aware of how your non verbal signals impact things

• eye contact

• touch plus breathing, sometimes

• behavior and person distinction

  • your rude vs your acting rude

• remember their values

• responsible and respectful

• remember the cost of not speaking

• speak up soon

5 common fights

• little things with larger underlying feedback

• projecting from childhood

• security fights (worried the other person is about to bail)

• value differences

• sell them on your idea through your values

• resentment (the person who compromises their own desires resents, can happen to either party)

  • unmet expectation based on value
  • I resent that x, I expected that x, I put this on you and it's my fault for not telling you that's what I need

12 agreements for happy relationships

• get on board with agreements and clarity
• growth mindset / humility and desire to learn
• own your part
• vulnerable as quickly as possible
• care and respect
• stay in the conflict until zero (can pause)
• no threats of leaving
• no bringing up over text or email

Value differences

• try and convinces them of the benefits to their values by doing what you want them to do
• you want enough shares values to be the glue and directional life guidance for your ultimate visions, then to be accepting of other differences after that