The abosolute best book on relationships, fill with insightful information and great takeaways. If I could get everyone in the world to read it I definielty would.

Peopel are flawed because they have unrealistic expectations for themselves, the other person, or the relationship at large
Romanticisers- unrealist expectations for the relationship - hold the idea that love happens to you, very specific look for their soul mate and they won't even consider anyone who looks/seems different, sky high expectations, give up with issues rather than solve, have to realize they aren't perfect, don't be passive in looking, relationships aren't effortless - social media bias
Maximizer - unrealistic expectaions of partner - Always a what if better or perfect, lots of indecision, people who don't do this are happier even with objectively worse decisions/outcomes, once something meets your expectations be happy and don'tworry about what else is out there, its how you feel about the decision not what is was. Secretary problem if you have to choose a secretary out of 100 candidates mathmatically speaking best way is after 37% take think of the best one so far and then pick then next person who is greater than or equal to that person, can apply the same idea to dating as 37% of time you plan on dating
Hesitator - unrealistic expectations of self - I'll be ready when xyz mentality, aspirations turn into excuses, opprotunity cost loosing the chance to learn and learning by doing, Gulf between wanting to date and actually dating, help by having short deadlines, bit of prep for profile pics and improve class and therapy? Tell others, start smol, be compasionate with yourself
stop talking to your ex, we are less comitted to choices we think we can reverse and comittment is crucial to happiness, we retroactively give positive thought to things we chose and negative thought to things we didn't
When dating think of if you'd trust them help raise your child / how reliable they are
No correlations between partner similarities and happiness
Their is a correlation between happiness and emotional stability, and kindness. Can be judged via how they respond to stress and how they respond to people they dont' need something from
Look for loyalty and reliability in hard times, can estimae via friends from different stages of their life
You want a Growth mindset, estimate via how they react to challenges, shoudl persist and see risk as opprotunity rather than potential embarrassment, self talk should be compassionate
What do they bring out of you, pay attention to hwo you feel w/ and after hangingout with them
Pay attention to how you fihgt, fight well rather than avoiding
Reflect on how you make hard decisions together
We're sugggestable, see a metric and assume its importance
you're unlikely to change perferces or delete profiles/subscriptions in general
Experience goods must be experienced and are more subjective and searchable goods can be reasearched are more objective
Don't treat it like an interview
Whether or not you believe you can do something or not, you're right.
Negativity is self fulfilling
Activity oriented. A task to do together, cooking KBBQ, board games, art stuff, cooking, so the focus isn't on you and then doing conversation. Arcade, painting or museum
You value something more when you know how much effort went in
Start in the middle, oh, hey you'll never guess what's been going on or i heard this great story recently that you'll love.
Ask for advice Actually listen, be interested
Both ask questions that let them continue and shift focus back to you with comments about your own opinions and ideas (even mix)
Keep your phone out of sight. Perhaps ask to commit to both doing so from beginning of date.
Memory is based on most intense moment and the end so end with a bang
Post date questions. What side of me did they bring out? How did body feel? Do I feel more or less energized? Curious? Laughed? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive?
The Spark is dumb
Familiarity breeds attraction.
People confuse anxiety for chemistry
We imagine people flattering when we have less details and create unrealistic fantasies This is bad because meeting reveals normal flaws and leads to disappointment Make less assumptions and don't presume you know things until you talk to them
Pace yourself, don't date wayyy to many people at once
App advice, males, smile without teeth stand alone, look at camera. No filters, no people who could possibly be SO's. Candid is good. Test against friends Black and white kills Profile should be true to you and not who you want to be. Should be specific and contain conversation starting potential. Focus on what you like not what you don't Put effort into opener, be specific. Get to a date IRL fast Date transition: im really enjoying this conversation, wanna continue it over coffee this Sunday afternoon?
Event should allow you to meet people, talk to people, enjoy in a vacuum Talk to people consistently, at event
Environment for the date matters
We end to assume actions say something about personality/character rather than that they are just a result of circumstances, try to assume circumstances on purpose, give people the benefit of the doubt
Look for poistives in people
People tne dot take the defaults, design defaults into your life
Try to go on the second date most of the time
Pet peeves != deal breakers
We stop auto behavrior at decision poitns, like with eating until the end of a bucket of popcorn vs the end of a smol bag
Define the relationship, start with hey, I feel awkward about this but ... (this creates known vulnerability and more empathy),Thank them for their clarity and honesty after
After moving in you are less likely to be honest about flawa sn less likely to stop dating because it is very inconvenient
Sunk cost fallacy and loos aversion (teh idea that loss is scarrier than gains are good), keep people in relationships
Wardrbe test: what peice of clothing is your partner, gut reaction.
People expect spark to be around forever and leave once its gone.
Have you been bringing your best self (when thinking about breaking up)
Missing on a goal is usually due to a lack of plan
When breaking up wirte down reasons for breaking up to help when sad later
Select time and place with care
Have a script, be compassionate but direct.
If someone says whats wrong with me -> I respect you but I dno't think this will work long term and I don't want to wast your time or mine.
Time limit 90 min, with the assurance that you can talk again tomorrow
Prep and consider: Goal, core message, tone to use, tone to avaoid, opener, what needs to be said, concerns about how they will react and counters to that
If someone says What did I do wrong -> this isn't about anything you did or who you are, its about what we create when we're together. You did nothing wrong and I dont' want you to blame yourself
If she says mean things -> I understand you're mad and I've hurt you so now you want to hurt me, you have every right to be upset but I don't want this to be any more painful thanit has to be so please don't attack me
Avoid breakup sex
Post breakup Plan for yourself
After, Frame the breakup positively for yourself, focuse on th negatives of the relationship, reconnect with parts of yourself you lost when in the relationship,
Reflect about what shoudl be different in future relationships, who were you in the relationship and who do you wnat to be in future relationships
Expect the relationships to grow and change, rather than stay the same as it starts
Studies find that we think we'll be the same in the future even though we've changed a lot in the past. Which just isn't true
Wedding contract or relationships contract. Things to check in every year or so. Ammendments
Life should be intentional. You should look back and see choices you made on purpose and honesty toward yourself. Course correct when you need to.

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How not to die alone

Logan Ury