cover image for How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

10/10
Really wonderful book covering a number of interesting and complex topics, about how to engage with children and generally people so they will feel validated, heard, praised, and autonomous. An excellent introduction to how to interact productively with others.
  • Kids who feel right will behave right, how do we help them feel right? By helping them accept their feelin
  • Don't deny your children's feelings, (you couldn't be tired, you just napped) (That TV show stunk, no it was very educational) -> They won't trust their own emotions
  • Instead Listen 100%, Oh, mmm or I see, rather than questioning or advising, to acknowledge the feeling
  • ******Label the emotjon they're feeling
  • You can't just ask them why they feel that way, because this requires them to think and get confused potentially and sometimes they don't know why they feel the way they do or don't want to tell because they worry their fears won't be valid in adult eyes
  • *****They don't want agreement, they want emotional validation, to recognize what they are feeling
  • If you don't like how they said what they said, try saying I don't like what I just heard, could you try saying in a different way and I might be able to help more?
  • Draw me a picture of the way you feel, then validate their feelings. Man you are so angy aren't you, show me more (another sheet of paper)
  • Match intensity of their emotions, when validating
  • Writing down what children want when they want a lot of things, gives validity to their desire and shows you're paying attention
  • Give into fantasy, I wish we could have a granola bar as big as that picnic table
  • Conflict of outcomes. Parents want, order, cleanliness, societal approval, health and long term well being of their children and Children don't care about these things, So getting them to do them is difficult
  • Tactics
  • Describe what you see or the problem, (not what's wrong with child, personally)
  • Give information, (touching hot plates deads to bruns and pain, it would be helpful if the table wass set for dinner) (don't give info they already know)
  • Say it with a word, (less is more, kids coats, Jamie your lunch)
  • Talk about your feelings (I don't like having my sleeve pulled, it bothers me when xyz, I feel frustrated when I can't finish my statements)
  • Write a note, (hang on the door or TV, for reminders)
  • Put authentic emotion into your voice and sayings
  • Can combine these tactics
  • Attitude should be your basically a wonderful, lovable capable person, there's a problem right now and onxe you're aware of it you'll probably take care of it
  • When you're not getting through, (questions to ask self, is request reaonsable relative to child ability, can give child choice about when, or how done, any physical changes to invite cooperation, take time to do things together)
  • If you have to repeat self figure out if you've been heard, before continuing ad infinitum (would you tell me what I just said?)
  • If they say they'll do it later (ask for a specific time, when specifically? After this show? Which will be over in how long? An hour? Perfect I'll see it done in an hour then)
  • Alternatives to punishment,
  • Punishment, creates sneakyness, and often keeps children from participating and pursuing solutions out of fear of punishment and blame
  • Point out a way to be helpful, it would be helpful if you picked out lemons for us
  • Strong disapproval without attacking character, I don't like what's going on it's bothersome to others when children run in the isles
  • Offer a choice, billy no running you can either walk or ride in the cart, you decide
  • Remove or restrain, let him experience the consequences. They want to come shopping but we're real bad last time. Say they don't get to come this time, let them know it's because of their prior action and they will get more changes in the future. (Lock tool box)
  • Express your feelings strongly, explain expectations, show the child how to make amends
  • *******brainstorm together for mutually useful things,
  • write down all ideas without evaluating, evaluate (don't invalidate children's ideas)
  • Plan to follow through,
  • No accusations or talk about the past
  • Not combative but cooperative
  • Rather than trying to find out who did it, Express a emotions and a desife to have the situation improve
  • Getting children to resolve their own problems. 'Kids this is a tough problem but I have confidence you can work together to find a solution you can both agree to'
  • To encourage autonomy, allow them to do and struggle with things, as well as have opinions and make decisions
  • Encouraging autonomy
  • Let children make choices. Would you like to wear x or y, would you like to practice before or after dinner etc. (Allow for them to come up with their own alternative that meets your requirements)
  • Show respect for a child's struggle, adding fractions can be hard
  • Don't ask to many questions, don't bombard
  • Don't rush to answer questions, what do you think? Should try and think first.
  • Encourage children to use resources outside the home. Let's check with the vet or dentist or your friends at school etc
  • Don't take away hope, inquire rather than crush their hopes. So you want x, tell me about it
  • Praise,
  • ****Adult describes what they see or feel (I see a lot of work has been going on here, the shoes are put away, the dishes are done, I feel at ease being here.)
  • Child after hearing is able to praise themself
  • Summary word at the end to punctuate, I notice you did xyz, that's what I call (taking initiative, punctuality)
  • Don't be too excited too often, this can lead to pressure on the target
  • No praise by comparison to siblings
  • Helping your children overcome roles
  • Put your children in situations they don't feel they're good at the tell them how they're doing great using the praise specific things (if they feel like they're always bad at something)
  • Model the behavior you want to see
  • Remind them or things they've done in the past that contradict
  • State your emotions and then expectations, (it upsets me to see this thing in this state, I expect it to be cleaned up when done etc, or it upsets me when you speak to me like that, can you phrase it another way)
  • Sometimes you have to commit to doing what the child does to see it through there eyes and so they know you get what they're going through
  • ****Instead of but use (the problem is), invites solutioning
  • ****Instead of but use (and even though you know), acknowledged childs knowledge
  • Invitation to talk, I would love to hear about your trip when you're ready to talk about it
  • Notion of 'when they're ready', rather than saying 'ah my sons just shy' (casts them in the role of shy)
  • Say 'oh, my son will talk to you when they're ready'
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