cover image for Never Split the Difference

Never Split the Difference

Chris Voss

8/10
A few solid ideas and definitely interesting content in general, I question how applicable it is in day to day life in general though
  • Mirroring: trust me we're alike vibe. Done via copying body language. With words repeat the last or cirical 1 - 3 words they said. People tend to elaborate. Disagree without being disagreeable
  • Change approach based on new evidence. Never assume you have all the info
  • Listen intently and slowly
  • Your voice should be slow, low and calm, late night FM DJ. Downward inflection is definitive and upward is leading
  • Influence emotion to influence logic (humans are irrational)
  • Loss aversion after some gain
  • Emotions motivate action (fear or desire) by labeling we show we understand others emotion: Say it seems like, it sounds like, it looks like then how you think they're feeling. Label both positive and negative emotions and anger. Then offer solution of suggestion. Emotions seem less frightening when labeled
  • Don't say I, sit back and listen.
  • Tactical empathy, think and understand their emotions and situations and recognize it out loud, this relaxes people and assessses what they want
  • Silence for a few seconds to pressure answers
  • Start with I'm sorry
  • Ask how questions
  • Don't be in a hurry
  • If they aren't listening force a no by mislabeling an emotion
  • Email follow up with have you given up on this project? to always get an answer
  • Don't try to get only yes's some will be fake because you're being annoying
  • Start with No, let them say no to relax and make them feel like their in control
  • Accusation audit, list all the terrible things they could say about you. Label their fears and ask for input
  • Behavioral change. Stairway model, active listening, empathy, influence, behavioral change
  • Summarize and empathize and label and mirror until they say that's right. You're right is bad because they're bothered and want you to shut up
  • Get at the why of what they want to see if its actually conflicts and if their is a win win scenario
  • Don't compromise, everyone leaves feeling like they lost
  • One parties deadlines apply to both parties, negotiation is over when its over
  • Stay calm under deadline pressure, consequences are almost never as bad as you imagine
  • I just want what fair, puts subconscious pressure on someone, response for u, I apologize, lets go back to where this felt unfair and talk about it
  • We've given you a fair offer, response -> fair? Pause, well it seems like you're ready to provide the evidence to support that so lets talk about it
  • Start with, I want you to feel like you're being tread fairly at all times so stop me if you feel you're being tread unfairly and we'll address it
  • Understand the emotional drivers behind what they desire on the surface
  • Certainty over probability will take greater risk to avoid losses than promote gain, persuade them they have something to loose by not taking the deal
  • Accusation Audit: talk, after this you're gonna think xyz bad things about me. I still wanted to bring this opportunity to you before someone else. Think not big to small but small to nothing when breaking news of downsizing or decrease in salary or something
  • Let the other side anchor monetary negotiations. Elude to a range at top laces like x people at y place get between a and b. Expect low end
  • Think in terms of value beyond money to add to a high ask or low offer. Things you care about but don't think they'll give work too because they'll compensate with stuff they can give
  • Sell yourself to your manager as a tool to show how important and great they are
  • Ask what does it take to be successful here
  • Give them the illusion of control, open ended questions, instead of you can't go -> what do you hope to accomplish by leaving
  • How questions, how do I know she's alive. So they end up having the idea and doing the thing. Ergo its not debt/tit for tat like when you ask give me a proof of life becasue then they have done something for you and expect something in return
  • Confrontational stuff into joint problem solving exercise
  • Summaries conflict/issue then ask, How am I suppose to do that, doesn't sound pushy and aggressive, no target for attack
  • Rules: avoid (can, is, are, do or does) close ended verbs that can answered yes or no. Instead (what, how and sometimes why but usually not).
  • Examples: does this look like something you would like -> how does this look to you or why did you do it -> what caused you to do it (less accusatory)
  • Often used: What is the biggest challenge you face, what about this is important to you, how can I help to make this better for us, how would you like me to proceed, what is it that brought us into this situation, how can we solve this problem, what is the objective here, how am I suppose to do that
  • Implication of any calibrated question is: I want what you what but I need your know how/ideas to get there, forces them to do the work for you
  • This doesn't work without self control, stay calm and rational. Keep away from knee jerk passionate reaction, pause
  • When verbally attacked, don't attack back, disarm them with a calibrated question
  • Listener has power -> other is relealing info and you can steer.
  • Don't try to get the other person to admit you're right.
  • Don't ask yes or no or tiny info questions (they are generally useless and invoke reciprocity)
  • Instead ask How or What questions (Implicit ask for help means they feel in control and more comfortable)
  • You need to also have the ability to execute on your promises/plans/negotiated solution (don't neglect the execution part)
  • Ask lots of how questions, I don't have that kind of money how can we raise it? How do I know he's alive? Tis an elegant no
  • Beware of people who have influence on the outcome either to stop or continue it even if they're minor -> ask some calibrated questions, how do we ensure everyone is on board/learning what they need, how does everyone feel about this
  • How do we know if we pay you that you won't or haven't hurt my guy
  • 7/38/55 rule word/tone/body language respectively as percentage of influence on success
  • If based on tone and body language they seem to be lying or not as committed, ask some more clarifying how question to try and find and address their issues. You seem hesitant about xzy, is their anything to your disliking? Follow up this is important and we should do it right by your standards etc
  • Liars do the following: Use significantly more words. More 3rd person pronouns, it, he, she, they. More complex sentences.
  • The more they say I the less important they are? The less they say I the more important they are?
  • Make them do counter offers against themselves!!! Your offer is very generous, I'm sorry that just doesn't work for me. -> they will bid against themselves
  • I'm sorry but I'm afraid I just can't do that -> they will bid against themselves
  • Types of negotiators: Analyist: locgical, systematic, no rush, minimize mistakes, no emotion, distant and cold, hyper sensitive to reciprocity, like to work alone, skeptical by nature. To work with them, use data, focus on fact, avoid surprises, let them think,
  • Types of negotiators: Accommodator: Time spent building relationship is good, want to remain friends even if no agreement, working with them. Be sociable and friendly. Use calibrated questions to nudge them along. Difficult to find their objections.
  • Types of negotiators: Assertive: Direct candid, wants a solution and wants it fast. They measure success by getting things done. Aggressive. Want respect. Wants to be heard and can't do anything until. When dealing with them, listen to them carefully because they need to feel heard. They will take and take for reciprocity. Careful of tone
  • Don't assume they will think like you do
  • Ackerman Model: set target price, set first offer 65%, 3 raises 85%, 95% and 100%, use lots of empathy and lots of ways of saying no as you counter into you ideal price. Use precise and non-rounds numbers. On the final offer throw in a non-monetary thing that they probably don't actually want to show you're at your limit
  • Black Swans -> Don't let past experience inform to much, their is always unknown territory and their is always hidden info that would change everything
  • Don't look to confirm what you believe, look to uncover what you don't know, read body language and context clues
  • Label negative leverage, Sentences like, it seems like you always value the fact that you always pay on time, it seems like you don't care what position you're leaving me in
  • Normative leverage, using their norms and rules to advance your position. No one likes to look like a hypocrite.
  • We trust people more when they seem similar or familiar
  • Express passion for their goals and ability to achieve them
  • Don't call your other counterpart crazy, at least you have to look to understand them so you can negotiate better
  • Usually crazy or irrational isn't the case, more likely something else, lack of trust in you or religious reasons or not wanting to let someone down or personally look bad or ...etc
  • ^ things they can't do but don't want to say. Lack of power, already committed to someone else ... etc
  • ^ other interests, fairness, money,
  • Typically these can be summarized as, ill informed, constrained, and having other interests
  • Getting black swans, do face to face (tone of voice, body language, short time to think/recenter),
  • Fear of conflict is bad, leads to resentment. Adversary is the situation fear of conflict is just a base human thing and you should ignore it. Consequence of conflict is usually not that bad lol
  • Don't avoid conflict
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