cover image for Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication

Marshal Rosenberg

10/10
A bit of repitition from the How to Talk so Kids Will Listen book. But still fantiastic at hammering home the base notion of listening for peoples need, being aware that emotions from anyone come from a lack of met needs and that seeking those needs and trying to help others express those needs is great
  • Why do people get angry with each other, how can we not?

    • Idea is to connect with others in a way that make compassion and giving natural
  • What's alive in you, just see the humanness in one another. Tell others when they are and are not enriching life (express needs). Must observe without judgement.

  • Tell others what could make life more wonderful for us

  • Moralistic judgements of rightness and wrongness creates a lack of empathy. This is learned and bad.

  • Comparison to other people also creates problems

  • Denial of responsibility for your own actions, feelings and thoughts. Mental model of compelled by an imaginary force is the idea.

  • Communicating desires as demands is problem

  • Intrinsic motivation is best, punishment and rewards are bad

  • Observations without evaluation

  • Misses

    • Confusion of prediction with certainty (if you don't eat balanced meals, if you don't eat balanced meals i fear your health won't be good) also implied I know vs I think
    • Be specific about examples and statistics (she's never there when needed, she has not been there the last 3 time I needed her)
    • Jim is ugly (bad), Jim's looks don't appeal to me (better)
  • Express clearly feelings and needs

  • Express feelings (will be vulnerable and uncomfortable but isn't worth it)

  • I feel with it, this, that, noun what follows isn't an emotion typically.

    • Should be able to be replaced with I think, and should have no evaluation or guesses about others opinions. Or how we interpret others.
  • Use words that refer to specific emotions.

  • Need to explain emotions, specific why you feel and what you would hope can be done about it

    • I feel xxxxx because I have xxxxx need
      • When I hear you that I am the most selfcentred person you have ever met, I feel hurt because I need recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences
    • Not because you. Responsibility. It's how we interpret ourselves
  • Express needs, not judgments, or analysis or assumptions about their opinions

  • Needs are actually few, sustenance, safety, empathy, honestly, rest, celebration, love, play, meaning and purpose in life,

  • Women taught to sacrifice needs for other, men taught they shouldn't have needs.

  • Must assert needs but also with consideration for how others needs are important

  • Need is not a request, requests are specific to person and situation, need is constant and independent.

  • Say what you do want, not what you don't want. Don't seem like criticism.

  • Avoid vague action/requests statements, should be specific and clear.

  • Can ask for reflection from others if you're worried they aren't getting what you said. Be careful how you clarify afterwards. Make sure it's "grateful for your openness with me, sorry I wasn't as clear as I would like to be"

  • Requests over demands, requests start with would you be willing to ...

  • Empathize when they refuse request, otherwise it isn't a request.

  • Listen, and hear their needs.

  • Reflect what you think they're feeling and needing

  • For self talk, don't say should. I should have done x. We would like to talk kindly to ourselves without judgement or blame. Think about what needs you were trying to meet.

  • Make list of things you have to do. Say you choose to do instead. Get in touch with intention behind. Why do you do it? What do you want from that thing.

  • Might be clear you have other options. Or might feel better about the reasoning and this be more enthusiastic.

  • Why people do things they don't enjoy

    • Convinced life is about doing things for rewards. Should be soley in the spirit of enhancing life.
    • Action to avoid punishment.
    • To avoid shame,
    • Avoid guilt,
  • Anger is a signal that a need isn't being met, and should be treated as such

  • For compliments, don't tell what they are (extraordinary, intelligent). Be specific about what they said or did, then how it made you feel / what need it met of yours.

  • You said you really cared about me and that made me feel loved and cared for and met my need for belonging

  • Constantly show appreciation and gratefulness and feedback and how well people are doing. Be aware and express to others

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