Polysecure

Part 1 - attachment theory

Chapter 1 - an over view of attachment theory

Chapter 3

• do we want this to be attachment based partners.
  • discuss assumptions, expectations, exactly what we're doing and why we are together
  • showing up for each other regularly, prioritize each other from choice not obligation, doing the work
  • shared vision about breadth, depth and level of involvement
  • agreed commitment
    • like potentially, exploring, official relationships, or building a life together
  • commitment expression
    • sharing intimate details, vulnerable
    • Introduce them to people who are important to you
    • help with things
    • regular time together (mundane and novel)
    • plan trips together
    • being their when they need you
    • frequent quality time
    • physical or logistical or emotional support
  • questions
    • what does commitment mean to you?
    • what aspects of commitment are most important to you
      • structural, emotional, public
    • why do we want to be attachment figure for each other
    • what does an attachment figure mean to you
    • do we each have the time and availability to do this level of attachment
  • being a safe haven (accepting and being with you as you are)
    • happens when, partners care about our safety, respond to our distress, help co regulate/sooth, emotional and physical support and comfort
    • being there for partner in warm caring receptive ways
    • look to know, if you will be there for me, and accept me instead of attack, judge or hurt me. Will you comfort me and call me, do i matter to you, can we rely on each other
  • being a more safe haven stuff
    • give emotional support
    • fully listen
    • inquire and share about feelings and needs
    • track what's going on in their lives and follow up on them
    • help in practical ways when they're sick
    • discuss events of the day
    • let them know how and why they matter to you
  • allow people to share their hopes and dreams
  • secure base (helping you grow beyond who you are)
    • support growth and development
    • support interest and work
    • listen to hopes dreams and interests
    • conversations about intellectual and emotionally stimulating things
    • acknowledge capabilities
    • compassionately bring to light their limitations and blindspots
    • offer encouragement, when risk taking and learning
  • you can cultivate more of a secure base or safe haven in yourself

Hearts

• Here - be present, undistracted with them
  • listen to them, ask follow up questions, clarifying questions, reflect your understanding / summarize your understanding
  • make time to just focus on each other, regularly
  • no phone, no smart watch, no distractions
  • tell when you're going to be unavailable and when you will be available again
• Expressed delight - appreciation, why you're special
  • expressing pleasure in who are, not just what they do
  • partners should articulate the ways partner is special and valuable to them
  • ways you appreciate and are grateful for them
  • words, actions, touch, expression / eyes
• Attunement -
  • emotionally tune into and feel connected with partner
  • turn towards to feel their entire perspective, try and understand and empathize.
  • meet with curiosity and try to understand their needs
  • mirror and match
  • no solutioning, ask questions to try and truly understand
  • follow up questions that are meaningful.
  • soften eyes and bring warmth
  • Track important events in their lives
  • reflect back their emotions / summarize your understanding
• Rituals and routines -
  • reliable people / knowing what to expect
  • day to day routines, bigger rites of passage / ceremonies
  • hello and goodbye ceremonies
  • Have times to breakout and play / adventure too
  • Pet names
  • comittment ceremony
• Turning towards after conflict
  • willing to admit responsibility for their part in the issue
  • learn from what went wrong
  • Value repairing over the issue itself
  • genuine repair attempt
  • you cannot want to be right
  • humility, openness, repair, responsibility attitudes
  • gratitude, and regularly doing nice things. Also culture of respect
  • tactics
    • face to face ideally
    • Take a pause
      • let them know you want to cool off and will join back in x amount of time
    • keep your desire to be right in check. Remember your desire to be together

Secure attachment with self

• earned secure attachment
  • make sense of your history
  • what you went through and how it impacted you into what happened today
  • healing and rewiring by understanding
  • parents understanding dictates whether they pass on stuff or not
• heart yourself
  • here with self
    • be present with yourself
    • more embodied
    • meditation
    • body awareness practices
    • breath work
  • express delight with self
    • acceptance and self joy
    • make a mistake and be understanding with self / self compassion
    • enjoying time alone with self
    • take delight in everything you are
    • shame and inner critic are the largest barriers
    • guilt is I've done something wrong, shame is I am wrong
    • tactics
      • take self on a date
      • write yourself a love letter. Or all the things you like about yourself
  • attuning with yourself
    • ability to turn inward to be able to know what you're thinking, needing, feeling, experiencing.
    • self regulate and self sooth
    • types of regulating
      • auto regulating (zoning out and doing a thing alone)
      • external (someone helps you), held, talking, massage
      • interactional (we together regulate), skin to skin and eye to eye, dancing, sex, mutual dialog
      • self (me alone), intentional. Breath control, reframing, muscle control
    • be wary of over porous boundaries for others
    • start to experiment with letting others in with regards to your emotions
    • small requests
    • learn how to articulate your feelings and needs
    • remember the feeling of being protected with a person / memory. To activate your body feeling of protection
    • tactics
      • have music or smells that are good on standby
      • breathwork / meditation
      • Body tuning work
      • Journaling
  • rituals and routines for secure self
    • natural rhythms to eating, exercise, sex, connection etc.
    • know your inner rhythms
    • rituals to keep you inline with things day to day or week to week
    • bigger rituals for assist people for adjusting to big life changes.
      • comes with preparation / knowledge and things
    • self alignment practices
      • better or higher self (secure or aligned self)
      • actively engage in practices that bring this to the forefront
    • tactics
      • ideal week exercise
        • move towards this week to week
      • plan larger rituals or rights of passage
  • turning towards yourself after inner conflict. Trigger management
    • learn to translate from your inner critic
    • usually it's trying to keep us safe
    • identity positive intention behind your inner critic
    • example
      • bringing up that you're hurt by something is petty and too needy
      • what is critic trying to do
      • trying to stop you from being further hurt based on the fear that you work be listened to and cared for and ultimately lose the relationship for having needs
      • first is acknowledgement and acceptance of what I'm feeling and then self care
      • approach partner with advocating for needs rather than the self critic
      • speak for your part but not from them
    • triggers
      • reaction to current moment that reminds us of past trauma
      • brains can't distinguish between emotional and physical responses
      • understand and inquire into your triggers
      • how do you treat yourself when you become triggered
      • what could you do to manage triggers both preemptive and in the moment
      • tactics
        • try engaging your inner critic in dialog
        • ask if / what it's trying to do with positive intention for you
        • mindful deep belly breathing to manage anxiety
        • cognitive reframing techniques
          • ex if they haven't messaged you in a long time
          • not they are uninterested or pulling away
          • That they are doing something important or phone died
          • ex struggling with a partner
          • try to see their POV

Common questions and final thoughts