Real Self Care

Intro

• Concept is that most self care stuff is BS bandaid solutions, your life is a mess but meditation will fix everything for example.

• Instead look at your personal issue systemically. What's the root cause? Are other people and their opinions involved and can you set boundaries with them? Is the problem causing emotional or relationship issues with you or other you care about? Do you have values that dictate what you should prioritize or do at a minimum if you have to sacrifice something? Make your hard choice.

• Traditional help like exercise can cause stress because of comparison with others or your past self. (This pattern happens everywhereeeee)

  • some traditional self care can be helpful for some people, for others it can be an unhealthy comparison mechanism or escapism or avoidance strategy.

Methods and principles.

Why we turn to fau self care

• escape: over working to burn out then taking wellness retreats (the over working to burn out is the systemic issue, the retreate is an escapist strategy) -> this is a form of avoidance and not making tough life decisions in your daily life to be happier

• achievement: wanting to win and let everyone know you won. Deep seeded feeling of worthless and association of achievement with self worth but it's a never ending vicious cycle (not grounded in caring or compassion for herself, motivated by shame). People buckle under it's weight. If self care forces you to make decisions that make you miserable it's probably not serving you well and you may just be trying to cope.

• optimization: emphasis on organization and control (time hacks, meal deliver service, out sourcing). Felt like she was managing her kids rather than being with them. Can't turn brain off, always on trying to optimize, anxiety over unfinished todo's. The promise that you will one day arrive and everything will be perfect, but you never will. Process is wrong. What is "perfect" ? Doing more doesn't always lead to feeling better. Illusion of control, unwillingness to access your feelings (being seen and knowing yourself)

  • mother well being linked to 4 factors, feeling unconditionally loved, satisfaction with friendships, feeling comforted when distressed, authenticity in relationships.
  • optimization breeds more optimizations (time back is looking for more time back rather than trying to emotionally connect with self)

Game is rigged

• women are the social safety net. Daughters taking care of aging parents and children disproportionally
• unpaid domestic labor by women and all the issues there of. Emotional and cognitive energy for all the tasks to actually make a house hold run.
• **Lots of anticipating and monitoring of issues, even if women can off load some of the actual work itself to men (but not always)
• conflicting values, your responsibilities to others and your own well being.

Must change from the inside out. Seeing yourself in the world differently. Recognizing you have a problem allows you to see your levers and start pulling them. (Asking bothers for help caring for aging family, asking partner, asking work place)

Lever to pull against the world.

• public policy
• work place policy
• internal home policy

4 principles of real self care

• say no and set boundaries,
• treat self with compassion,
• closer to self, Core values beliefs desires
• shifting long term system of power? Assertion of power

Real Self care is a bit of a spot test for whether or not you need professional help. Do things feel so overwhelming that you can't do anything? Do things that usually make you happy have no affect any more?

3 yellow flags

• there is not only one path towards wellness. No one size fits all
• it's a process and you will get some stuff wrong from time to time.

Boundaries and moving past guilt

• women dropping their priorities for others (partners),

  • "hey, my friend wanted to grab food later even though I know I agreed to watch the dog this afternoon, could you finish up early and do it?" Partners takes on extra shift later to make up and make this all happen.

• maybe didn't know it was an option, maybe afraid of conflict, maybe to much guilt to cement choice

• need to set boundaries, (most people can't because they don't see their time as their own)

  • professional boundaries: you don't have to answer your phone. Take time, read the message and then decide what you want to do.
  • boundaries are hard because your worried about the backlash

Boundaries exercises

• if something is bothering you or you feel a need not being met you need to speak up and have the tough conversation.

  • willingness to talk to a friend if you feel like you're becoming their therapist, to suggest resources (taking more than their giving)
  • a willingness to try and talk to them when you feel their decisions aren't something you can participate in financially (destination wedding)
  • a willingness to set boundaries on how other people impose their opinions on your life (parents criticizing decision making)

• need for constant reflection over your life (to make sure you're making and respecting your own boundaries)

Skills for setting boundaries

• set guilt in the background

• guilt for doing something healthy against social norms

• must tolerate others disappointment and not see it as a moral failing on our part

• goal is to turn down the volume on guilt and not let it control you and your decisions

• cognitive de-fusion and psychological flexibility. Space between thoughts and feelings. Watching the ocean rather than being caught in a riptide.

  • boundaries with our mind to help with guilt.
  • watch thought pass you like traffic and don't pull them in
  • focus on the function, where does guilt get you in the long run
  • your mind tell you what to do. Separation
  • give them more shape, what does the guilt look like, color? Shape? Cloud? Nausea. Name them. Separate the thought from you

Look at people who's opinions are unduly influencing you.

• societal judgements, family and friends
• worrying about what your friends will say. Feeling like you're falling behind
• what situations make you feel nauseous or bad or dreadful. If neutral ask questions, who will be there, what's going to happen, when... Etc

Asian culture is, sacrificer personal boundaries for the good of the whole

Other bring their own bagadge and expectations into a conversations and if you bring up your boundaries, how they react reflects more on them than you

3 options, yes, no, negotiate.

I can save time by doing it myself is a female fallacy. Not long term and builds resentment

Clearly communicate boundaries. Tips

• be clear: direct and firm. Don't say j was wondering when you need this report back. rather what is the higher priority, report A or B? I will not be able to complete both before the 2nd.
• don't ask for permission: you are making the decision and the other person is allowed to have their reaction. You can express that it was difficult decision
• don't over explain: if you don't can come across as asking for permission

Saying no and making request scripts

• I wish I could swing it but I'm swamped, can we check in next month?
• I appreciate you thinking of me for this role but I'm prioritizing x at the moment. I'd be happy to consider this next year.
• my schedule has changed can we please reschedule for x
• I'll need your help with x, can you please be home by x tonight
• no I'm not free to talk right now
• I've noticed x isn't working can we set some time aside to discuss it

Sounds great but....

• everything feels critical reasonably. Try to look for situation where you might actually be able to drop what doesn't seem dropable. Sustainability? If you drop and it goes for 3 months what happens.

  • ask for help from work boss or understanding
  • try to limit time on certain things and just live with low quality on some things

• boundary setting with high stakes, (job)

  • say no to a small thing and see what happens
  • prepare for the worst case scenario (prep resume)

* Reflect on all actives you do and whether or not they're still serving you (every 3 months)

You are allowed to change your mind

Treating self with compassion

• permission to be good enough

• self compassion -

  • replacing self judgement with self kindness
  • recognizing your shared humanity
  • curious about negative thoughts, rather than taking them as truth
  • I felt x and did x to take care of myself

• how you talk to self when things are going wrong. Should be kind.

• I cannot control the outcome but I can controll how I treat myself

• Myrtr mode. Taking care of everyone at expense to yourself. Destroying yourself for others.

• Expectation of compassion, praise or support from others

• Notice inner critic when they're judging you. Notice how they probably look like someone who criticized you in childhood.

• Try to see them as a popchulture character, so give them less power.

• Shame, you were never good enough. Writing as a whole person.

• You are good enough, acknowledge your humanity and extend yourself the grace you would give to others. Understanding your friends can tolerate some small amount of discomfort and inconveniences for you.

• When people offer help, people often don't want to accept due to fear of being a burden. But humans thrive on connection and you should try and build the skill of saying yes.

• See if you have unaddressed anger, and identify and name

• You have to be willing to rest

• Be in tune with your body

• Fear of falling apart when resting

• Bring yourself into the mental picture, not what do I have to do to help this person

Understand your value and then use them to make decisions

• Reject norms and choose your values to motivate decision making

• Gratitude, and recognition of things that are good for you

• Digest the good stuff. Let it sit and notice it.

• Values may shift over life (and probably will), shift in priority mostly

• Compass, what (goal), how (values) and why (exciting emotional outcome). Pick areas and 1 goal for each. Career, family and you. Reflect on how you want to accomplish, (not boss or parents). Think about why?

  • What, learn to roller blades for me, how, with excitement, curiosity, open mind, why? Because exploration, adventure and trying new things are what feeds my soul.

• Goals can be big or small.

Cultivate community care, areas where you hold privilege and experience oppression. Help other with your privilege where they might be oppressed.

• Be generous professionally and personally. Can be reaching out to mentor or dropping off dinner for a new mother.