The Love Perseciption

Small Things Often

Turns Towards Each Other, make and respond for bids to connections

• Bid for connection is an invitation to connect,
• Reaction 1 of 3 things,
  • Turning towards, positive / responding
  • Turning away, ignoring or not noticing
  • Turning against, shut down
• Examples
  • Ex, oh this is an interesting article (bid for connection)
    • Partner, response oh? What's it about? Or ignores or you say be quiet I'm trying to work
  • Ex, deep audible sigh,
    • Partner says, oh hey is something wrong? Ignores and keeps reading, or what's the matter now!?
• Little moments of turning towards make it easier to navigate conflict.
• Daily check-in, is there anything you need from me today
• If you can't respond to a bid
  • "I'd really love to hear about this but I have to xyz, can you tell me about it a bit later?" If you can't respond
• If they don't respond to a bid, keep trying but if it's a patter.
  • "Hey I've been trying to reach out and I have been feeling responded to, is there something going on preventing you from responding? Can I do something to make by bids more obvious?"

Stay Curious About One Another (ask questions)

• Be interested in each other, you will both changes over time, ask open ended questions, daily habit
• Ask genuine questions with issues and answer with genuine stuff, understanding and questions are key
• Fights have underlying value differences and life dreams and nightmares that should be understood.

Ask a Big Question

• Example
  • What are some unfulfilled things in your life, how have you changed in the past year, if you could change into any animal for 24 hours, if you could learn 3 new skills what and why? 5 movies that have changed your life?
• You can opening things up by going first

Say Thank You

• We all want to be appreciated
• You need to get good at noticing the node things they do for you
• Must give partner benefit of the doubt
• Must tell partner what you need and want and how you need and want
• Say thank you for something routines and expound on why it's important to you

Give a Real Compliment

• Negative thoughts can infect how you think about them
• Four horsemen of death
• Criticism, defensiveness, stone walling, contempt
• 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions to keep things good
• 20 to 1 in general life
• Everyone always wants to have positive intentions, but how you are perceived is what really matters

Needs

• Be explicit about your asks, people cannot read your minds. Express your needs,
• Wants are just as valid as needs
• You always and you never, signal personality flaws because they imply, and That's what criticism is.
• Don't use criticism to frame a need
• Describe yourself not your partner
• Talk about event not partner
• State positive need
  • Wrong: you never make time for me anymore, obviously you don't care about our relationship
  • Right: I feel lonely, when we don't spend any quality time together, can we find some time to spend together?
• Prompt for availability before requests, especially to talk about something important

Touch is Important

• You have to talk about touch (what is okay, what is not), should be non sexual too
• Hug for 20 seconds and kiss for 6 for oxytocen
• Explicit discussion of erotic vs other touch

Declare a date night

• Let nothing get in it's way (marriage shouldn't be the thing that gives) No screens, phones or Netflix. Have real conversation. Just the 2 of you.
• You should make time to connect and prioritize this time as a way to keep your relationship strong.