The Seven Principles for Making Marraige Work

Most marriage therapy fails

They usually suggest active listening, the issues here being active listening was developed to build trust and repore for an uninvolved 3rd party, doesn't work as well when complaints are about the listener.

Mythes

Neurosis or personality problems ruin marriages. - naw, bad personality problem matches or a lack of willingness to accommodate them does

Common interests keep you together, (depends on how you approach, can be mean or critical or shared joy)

Tit for tat,

Affairs as the root of divorce -> usually emotional distancing leads to both actually

Biologically men not suited for monogamy, correlate of affairs are a man things but nowadays women actually have slightly more affairs.

Based on friendship, respect for each other and general enjoyment of each other's company, care and make an effort

Positive sentiment override, give each other benefit of the doubt (assume issues are not on us, of troubled can cause strain)

Trust and commitment, Acknowledge each other perspective, Attune to each other's emotion,

Roach motel of doom, Trapped in a negative sentiment and continually convinced that the other doesn't have their back, vicious cycle. Negative sentiment override, assume the worst of each other.

During argument, repair attempt (anything you do silly or otherwise to attempt to keep an negativity from spiraling out of controll)

Support each other's dreams and desires.

Most arguments can't be resolved. Based on values and other things. Need to learn to live with it instead and move on.

Predictors of Divorces

• harsh startup, dooms to failure
• 4 horsemen, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone walling

Complaint, Criticism

• complaint (good), here is what I feel, because of X specifically, here is what I need want prefer
• criticism (bad) is global, you always or you never

Contempt

• sense of superiority to partner, points to disgust with a partner and thier ideas or things.
• long simmering negative thoughts

Defensiveness

• defending yourself, doesn't work, because it's a way of attacking and sayings it's not me but instead you
• just escalates conflict

Stone Walling

• a partner tunes out, disengages

Flooding

• psychologically and physically overwhelmed (stone walling to not feel like this)
• nearly impossible to have a good discussion when flooded

Failed repair attempts

• repair attempts are attempt do de-escalate negative emotions during a conversation or argument (making jokes, asking to slow down or take a break)
• big indicator of failure here

Bad memories

• re write their past in a more negative light
• or difficult to remember

Enhance your love maps

• partners should know a lot about each other and keep up to date on info (because people change)
• what stresses them out, how work is currently going, their favorite foods, life goals, worries and hopes etc

Exercise do this (pg 58)

• detialed are a bunch of factiod questions (who's my best friend, what my favorite movie, what's my greatest fear, what's stressing me out right now, fav color, fav food, how do I relax)
• open ended questions ( how do you feel about your job, what qualities do you most value in a friend, what are some of you life dreams now,
• followed by a section with much more targeted questions regarding (triumphs and striving, emotions, trauma, legacy and who you want to become)

Fondness and admiration system is needed

• can be measured by spark of fondness about the past
• create fondness by finding and recognizing out loud, positive actions to one another
• write note to self with a bunch (from this list) of traits you admire and specific recent examples of their use of said traits

Turning towards

• make bids for attention (asking for anything basically) (shrug, joke, sigh, oh why isn't that interesting etc)
• turn towards is best, recognize their bid and respond,
• don't ignore or criticize
• builds up good will
• this is important don't, ignored this!
• missing a bid because it's wrapped in anger or negativity. (Before responding defensively, look for the hidden bid. Alternatively, say I want to respond positively, so please tell me what you need right now)
• being distracted by the wider world. (Establish rules of etiquette)
• thank your partner for turning towards
• be aware of timing of talks, active listening and empathy
• take turns,
• stay focused, make eye contact, nod, ask questions
• don't give unsolicited advice, just be there
• communicate understanding (you're making total sense, I can see why you feel that way, I wish you didn't have to go through that, that sounds frustrating)
• take their side, even if you don't believe in it.
• Express solidarity, a we against others mentality
• tell me how can I best help you? Do you want me to listen or solve
• exploratory questions, for understanding their pain, what are your concerns, can you tell me more about what you're feeling, what do you need from me RN,
• don't ask why, tis critical, instead use what or help me understand
• repeat your understanding
• don't try to relese sadness, better to empathize
• don't minimize their feelings

If they turn away

• usually disparity in needs or lack of awareness
• talk about it,

Let your partner influence you

• honor her feelings and opinions, about your actions
• need to share power
• emotionally intelligent husband, respects wife, open to learning more about emotions from her

Solvable vs unsolvable problems

• some problems are solvable, their are solutions in the form of reminders, better system, using money, out sourcing work, re organizing schedules, waiting for slight circumstance changes etc.
• some problems are simply instances of voicing 2 underlying values or life long impressions that are clashing and can't easily change for either of you
• many arguments between married couples are unsolvable problems

Signs of gridlock

• entrenched in positions, making no headway, devoid of humor or affection in convos,
• No one is right
• Accept the other person as they are

Solve your solvable problems

• Soften your start-up, learn to make and receive repair attempts, soothe yourself and each other, compromise, process any grievances so that they don't linger.
• Can complain with I statements about your feelings, don't blame partner (I feel or I need)
• Describe, don't evaluate
• Be appreciative
• Don't store things up

Typical Solvable problems

• Unplug from distractions

• Establish a sense of we-ness vs in-laws

• House chores - men tend not to do enough and we want something fair and equitable. So sit down and talk over every possible chore.

• Sex - learn to talk about it in a way that feels safe and allows you to express desires and needs

  • Be gentle, and positive
  • Be patient
  • Don't take it personally
  • Compromise
  • Learn how to refuse sex gently (I want to and I find you very attractive except but I need to take a rain check. I love you)

Overcoming Gridlock

• Generally issues are based in difference of values or dreams/goals, or personality characteristics that resulted from trauma or childhood that won't change. You both have these and then conflict arises when they clash.
• The goal is to simply explain these in depth to one another to have them to get the other to understand and empathize with the goal/dream/trauma or background.
• Then write down a list of aspects that are and are not negotiable for each of you and cross reference to try and find a workable compromise within your lists.

Create shared meaning

• Rituals of Connection
• Support for each others roles
• Shared goals
• Shared values and symbols

Week to week things

• Partings (have a kiss, say goodbye)
• Reunions (ask how they are / how their day was)
• Admiration and appreciation (notice and thank/appreciate them for doing things)
• Affection (Cuddle before bed)
• Date night
• State of the Union meeting (weekly check-in)